KNOWING

When we stop talking to ourselves we open ourselves to the vaults of eternity and the understanding of men, which can only be understood three dimensionally, gives way to knowing that is not of this world but of the infinity of which it is only a part. The language of infinity is silence and the sweetness of knowing, as the gods know, is simply known. There is no describing it in three dimensional terms, thus no reason for talking and explanation. Metaphorically, we need to see with our ears and to hear with our eyes that which can only come from an unspoken language we all know but have simply drowned out in the language of everyday life. The greater part of understanding is that which cannot be comprehended or explained by the languages we speak! When we stop talking to ourselves and silence the noise of language and thinking we become the receptors of understanding and knowing that descends upon us from the vast stores of the universe from which there is no beginning or ending.

We are literally a part of everything we see and don’t see in this universe.  We are inextricably connected at a deep level to all that is, was, or will ever be.  In fact, to say that we are connected to all that was, is or will be is a great example of the limitation of our languages. Past and future do not exist and cannot be a part of the now that we find ourselves in! We carry the past with us in our minds and the future we fantasize about but they are nonexistent and our language is remiss to give a concept of that. Instead we devise languages that gives them meaning and place in our limited understanding and we are forever trying to reconcile nonexistence with existence. They are both without meaning except to the mind that has quieted itself and the inner god who knows all things on some other level that cannot be put into to the words of language as we know it. Our existence is truly profound when we give up viewing it in the confinement of our own illusions that are constantly reinforced by our talking and thinking. Sometimes in the quiet stillness of the mind all that is simply is and that is all the knowing we need. At the energetic level everything just is!

The God of the Old Testaments stated, “I am the same yesterday, today and forever.”  It might be better said “I am yesterday, today and forever.” There are no distinctions between past, present and future in the realm of knowing quiet, distilled truth and all of us at one time or another have felt the peace that comes in that knowing. It settles upon us like mist and completely engulfs our mind and soul with an awareness that is unexplainable. Space and time lose their meaning at such times. Knowing is the most sublime dimension and it operates outside space and time as our language has described it. Knowing is the only place gods could ever make the statement that they are yesterday, today and forever because in such a place time and space have no bounds. They don’t exist. Three dimensional physics hold no ties to the infinite possibilities of knowing.

In the realm of gods there is no language of time or space. There isn’t a language of understanding that wrests our thinking and talking from an endless pursuit to comprehend everything three dimensionally. Gods know all things exist inside the present moment and whether we judge those things good or evil is of no consequence in infinity.  The space between the past and now or the future and now are nothing more than shadows.  Shadows of things we create and put there to fill a void.  A void that does not exist in infinity; A void of our own making.  There is no life past or life future.  It all is happening now, in the present and we don’t need to understand it!  We don’t need a historical context or three dimensional perspectives. The energy of life exists always and has never been disconnected in any way to time past or time future. There are no voids in space or time! The energy of life is always teeming and present and it permeates every construct we have created to define it in three dimensional terms. Energy is everywhere and energy is life!  All that we think we were or will be is all happening now and only in this now can we know what gods know!  In this present moment where the world has stopped, we as ageless existence, witness our oneness with it. It cannot be comprehended nor need it be. Our oneness with it transcends comprehension of the mind and simply makes us it!

We are the good that we love, the evil we hate, the darkness we fear, the light that gives hope.  We are all things, people, places we imagine or cannot imagine.  We are all thoughts and forms and are endowed with power to create the good we cherish or the evil we despise in this existence.  We are the beauty that loves and the ugliness that hates.  We are the then, the now, and the yet to be simultaneously in a never-ending timeless sea of infinite life. We are receptors of every form of energy that surrounds us continuously and endlessly and while we do not have a language, in this reality, that can accurately describe everything that is going on around us we do have a language, not of words and expressions, that communicates to us clearly that with everything in the universe we are a part! We are being spoken to by infinity every single moment of our lives and all we need to do is stop, be still and listen and in waves of indescribable beauty it pours into us.

The spectrum of time and space leaves us wondering for the “how” of all things.  Our egoic minds want to know order, chronology and placement in the reality we have created. We crave this knowing and want our language to describe it to us so we understand in relationship to our reality.

Instead of feeling the wonder of existence and our oneness with it we want to define it, thus diluting it in finite reason and dogmatic conjecture. We search for definitions and descriptions where none are needed nor will we ever be able to develop a language that could ever give adequate meaning to the spectacle of this infinite universe we are all a part of. We must leave the norms we have come to accept and step outside time and space to ever be able to know as the gods all the mysteries we seek to know and describe. Leaving the spectrum of time and space leaves us in absolute awe of everything.  Good is evil and evil is good.  It all just is.  We breathe all of it in and embrace it as what we are, without judgment and without question, historical context or analysis of any kind.  Only acceptance and love.  Not the love that ties us to anyone or anything, but the pure love that holds no boundary.  No limits.  No emotion.  Energetic love that exist in all things, at all times and in all places.

We have no words, no thoughts, no thinking.  Ego has blended into everything else and all struggles have ceased.  We have no arguments. The existence of every act, thought or thing is us as we are it.

Existence fills our bodies as our bodies fill existence.  All that is, is known to us because we are the knowing.  The seeker no longer seeks for that which is not understood.  Knowing requires no understanding.  “All is.”  We are the “all” that “is”.  Knowing simply rests upon us and it requires no words or expressions or thoughts or thinking to give it place in our existence. It fills us with wonder and awe that has no expression. In the quietness of mind knowing finds a place within where it instills itself and in that instant we know God for she is us and we are her.

“Be still and know the knowing.”  “You are god and in stillness she will find you.”

Adapted from the book: On Being God-Beyond Your Life’s Purpose!

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Cosmic Train

Kindile book cover OHBThis is the first chapter from my book “On Human Being – Loving and Living Without Purpose.”  I apologize for it’s length but hope you enjoy it in any case.

Earth life is a vacation from the cosmic train we all ride on through our infinite existence.  It is a unique experience all of us who choose to visit get to enjoy, if we accept that the only reason we are here is to enjoy.  It may seem erroneous to consider that we are here to experience three dimensional reality as a vacation or as something we should enjoy when we see so much pain, suffering and sorrow in the world.  The reality of existence here on earth is that it is nothing in comparison to our existence in eternity.  We are no less infinite on earth than we are in eternity.

While aboard the cosmic train, a few of us have gotten off here at earth and as we pass through the gates of birth, we enter a new kind of awareness that overwhelms everything else we once knew.  The old awareness gets tucked away but is always there.  We sense that there is more to us, but in the new earthly awareness, it is difficult to hold onto and pull it into this reality.  Some do and we see them as mysterious and unique, but never allow that, we too, are just as they are.  Earthly awareness is so tactile and sensory. The stimuli we take in through our earthly senses overwhelms us in a sea of experience and richness that is difficult to separate from the reality of who we truly are.  So we are driven to find answers in this reality to that mysterious knowing we have about ourselves that is bigger than our means of communication can express.  We look for meaning and purpose in terms of what we see and in the expressions we communicate, but even with all of that, we are sometimes left empty.  The search continues.  The purposes of life are explored and examined but the answers we seek lay hidden.

There really is no purpose in this life other than to experience reality as only humans can.  Every aspect of life should be embraced and we should revel in every minute of it regardless of whether we judge the experience good or bad.  Our purpose, if there is any purpose, is to live and live abundantly in the richness of sensory experiences our human existence allows.  Our existence “is” the meaning of life!  Living “it” is its only purpose.  However, it is ours to choose how we let the sensory awareness of this life be measured.  We can choose to embrace it and enjoy all its ups and downs, or we can be miserable as we slog our way through it to our death, or the entrance back on the cosmic train we disembarked from.  We make it what it is and we can blame no one for our experience.  Sure, our innate nature has been masked, but it is not unknowable.  We live according to our awareness and that is as it should be.  That is what we came here for; therefore, every minute of earthly awareness should be basked in for its wonderful and delicious sensory experience.

The search for a greater meaning or purpose to life is in some ways its own problem.  It suggests that we cannot be here for any other reason than to embrace and enjoy everything about life.  It leads us to question our lives and the experience we have as meaningful in ways that they are not meant to be.  It adds seriousness to our existence that drives us to meanings that can only make sense in this reality but do not begin to address our own innate knowing that we are so much more than what we sense in this existence, or than what language will allow us to describe.  That is a lot about what this existence is about – coming to grips with the limitations of awareness and communication we otherwise have as gods.  There is no way we can describe our divine nature in the languages of humans, but we are not supposed to.  Remember we are on vacation and compared to our divine nature, the pace here on earth is slowed down considerably.  Our infinite state is a quickened state in which our awareness is of things incomprehensible in this life…  earth life is seriously slowed down.  In fact, our own human-ness slows us down even more.

For instance, it has been proven scientifically that our bodies, including what we call our physical senses, take in sensory input, several billion bits of information every second, and yet what we are capable of being conscious of is in the range of twenty to thirty bits per second.  Something about this experience as humans filters out so much of what goes on that what we are conscious of is infinitesimal to what is really happening.  When we consider our divine or spiritual natures, the information we receive is even greater than what we experience on the human level.  In fact, our spiritual sensitivity is so finely tuned it is barely detectable and in most scientific circles, it is nonexistent simply because we do not have the three dimensional means to detect it.  What is not detectable in this reality is usually left to speculation, theory or is just relegated as non-existent.  Even though most of us at one time or another have felt something in ourselves that is more far-reaching than we can articulate, if we cannot define it, or measure it, it cannot be, or so says our science.

Human consciousness or sub consciousness is not the extent of our experience.  We have built in conditions and filters that sift through the enormous amount of information, bombarding us every second, which screen out the majority of our experience.  This is what I mean when I refer to life as an illusion in my book On Being God.  What makes it into our conscious awareness is what we have been conditioned or programmed to know and accept.  Most of us have heard that when the Spanish ships appeared on the horizon upon discovering the “New World”, the inhabitants could not see them.  There was nothing in their conditioning that could explain what they saw and yet intuitively they saw something.  Their programming simply could not identify it and nothing in their experience, other than clouds, could the ships on the horizon be compared to.

We know it took the shamans of those native people several days to come up with a description they could then convey to the rest of the people.  Only then could they identify this new phenomenon and only then could they put this new description into their own language and make it part of their experience.  Consider how much is going by us if in every second of life, billions and billions of images, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and any number of sensory inputs we can’t possibly remember get discarded by processes we barely understand.  Life goes on around us at light speed but we only sense it at a snail’s pace.  And the civilizing of ourselves, as we refer to it, is only slowing it down even more.  Think about what is passing us by.

In the early 1990’s, I worked for a telecommunications company whose products helped optimize the available bandwidth of copper phone lines around the world.  Cellular technology was in its infancy as was fiber optics, so maximizing the available telephone bandwidth was of major importance because there were only so many copper lines available to an ever increasing population of telephone users.  The product we developed was a device that would convert an analog voice signal to a digital signal, remove any extraneous noise such as the static or ambient noise one often heard on a telephone land line, and then packetize the cleaned up digital signal into small packets that would be sent across the line to another device that would assemble the packets, convert the digital signal to an analog signal and, wonder of wonder, a voice was heard speaking just as on any phone call.

What was so unique about this product, for the time, was that in processing calls in such a way and by eliminating all the extraneous noise, we could put sixteen voice conversations across a telephone line that up to that time could only carry one, representing a huge savings to businesses who were paying for multiple lines at great cost as well as a serious improvement to the usage of the available bandwidth. One of the interesting facets of developing this technology was the idea that the extraneous noise in normal telephone conversations carried no useful information and could be removed without any affect to those speaking and those listening.  Little did our developers know that the noise did provide one very important piece of information.

All of us who have used the old land line telephones always had a sense that our call was viable because we could hear the noise of the connection during breaks in the conversation.  The information carried by the noise was that the call was still connected.  Even though the noise adds nothing to the words spoken or heard, it did add to the assurance that in between words spoken and words heard the line was still connected.  When we removed that assurance, sure enough, people who used the new technology complained that during the breaks in a conversation, the line went so silent they couldn’t tell if the connection was still intact.  The familiar noise of land line conversations was a carrier of information that, like so much in our reality, is taken for granted but missed if it is gone.

We are missing more and more in our reality due to the stripping away of the noise of life that civilization, culture, and upbringing filters out, and the absence of it is causing us to be aware of less but to seek more.  In other words, we are starving ourselves of the richness of life in all its forms and replacing it with the illusions of culture and civilization that have been drained of nutrients necessary to the soul.  Our aloneness in the world stems not from the isolation we feel from our brothers and sisters.  It stems from the filtering of life that has isolated us from our own god-ness and that of everyone else.  That is what we seek in life – not human connection, but divine connection.    Individually and societally, we are crying out more and more for something to fill our satiated souls, and more and more civilization devises empty stimulation to keep us in control – in check from venturing away from the illusion we know.

The illusion we live, like the processed foods we eat, have been stripped of those things that would enrich and nourish us and replaced with fillers and synthetic nutrients that satisfy temporarily but do not fill us.  Our connections to nature have been replaced with television, radio, internet and other civilized forms of media that have been carefully engineered to play to an illusory beat we have all been taken in by.  Like the packetizing of small pieces of digitized voice from a telephone call, information is carefully fed to us at a rate not to exceed our ability to pay attention.  So much of the information is stripped away that we only get teased with what is really happening and before we have a chance to try to figure out what information has been stripped away, we are hit with another perfectly timed, perfectly sized packet of seriously reduced information.

The illusion is so complete that we, as participators in it, have accepted slogans such as “give them what they want” believing that what we want is what we are being given.  Meanwhile, for those who search for greater awareness, getting outside of the illusion is extremely difficult and so they search in vain among the institutions of civilization for the soul nourishment they crave.

What was intended to be a stopping off point, a vacation from other awareness has now become a desperate struggle to somehow survive natural forces that, while once were so much a part of us, have now become the enemy.  Our illusion of what this reality is has become so synthesized that we have replaced what was always intended – enjoyment, enrichment, tranquility and nourishment – with a struggle fraught with peril, tragedy and synthetic stimulation.  Our cosmic vacation has become so empty, so stressful that we now look for ways to vacation from the vacation!  And where do we go?  To those places with as little civilization as possible.  We go to those places where we can rest, soak up the sun, or be inspired by the beauty of a natural wonder such as a mountain, a river, the ocean or a canyon.  We sometimes go to the civilized, manmade attractions but, while fun and stimulating; they often leave us empty and un-refreshed.

The oldest among us recall fondly the quieter and less hectic times they grew up in and the freedoms they enjoyed then that are so distant now.  The youngest of us cannot even conceive of these things they describe.  The sterilizing manner of civilization removes the adventure and connectedness to the world whose intention it was all along to enrich us and enliven us from an infinite “other world” reality.  Our souls came here for enrichment, not our bodies, and yet it is our bodies that our civilized world caters to.  The experience of life has become a race, a competition to find purpose and meaning by indulging the senses in every possible way, such that the soul is lost completely to the gratification of the physical or three dimensional aspect of our lives.  We hear the statement that “we are spiritual beings having a physical experience”.  Yes, we are having a physical experience, but not to the extent that we completely overshadow our spiritual nature.

In the Old Testament, there is a story of the man Job whom most have heard of in some form or another.  The story of Job is the story of a man who has everything this life can offer.  He is a man of great wealth, influence and notable character.  He is God-fearing and righteous and is blessed with a large family, creature comforts, as we call them and the respect of everyone in his country.  Job’s story takes a bizarre twist as Satan convinces God to let him break Job and show God that if he were to lose all the things in life he possesses, that Job would lose his faith and curse God.  God allows Satan to literally take everything from Job including his family, wealth, and good fortune.  Satan is even allowed to cause great scourges and illness to come upon Job, but Job, while physically broken in every way, never forsakes his faith, nor does he turn against God.  Job does, however, question why one as righteous as he, is treated so poorly by the God he worships.  He even asks God to take his life and end his misery.  Job suffers all that is thrown at him, but never accepts that he is evil or that God is punishing him for some act he has committed.  Job does seek for answers to his suffering and requests to speak to God face to face.  God grants Job’s request and appears to him as a whirlwind.

It is extremely interesting God’s response to Job and very relevant to our experience here in this life.  Instead of speaking in any way to Job about his suffering, God directs Job to look all around and take in all the beauty and wonder he is surrounded by.  God covers every aspect of creation and life on this earth and not once addresses Job as a sinful man or in a way Job desires.  All manner of creatures are mentioned as well as the wind, rain, water, snow, hail and frost.  It can be taken that God rules over everything and is greater than all things but it is as if God is trying to show Job that the things that are naturally here on earth are what is important in life.  All of it is here for the good of our souls and yet our so called civilizing or taming of nature is not unlike that of Job questioning God why he is made to suffer.

How is it that we can suppose that the egoic cravings of humans can nourish our starving souls when any of it has no comparison, whatsoever, to the beauty, majesty and abundance of this earth?  The treasures of life are not found in the creations of man.  They are found in the raw creative beauty of which we are all a part.  When we see that eagle soar high above and we gasp for breath as we watch, “we” are every bit as breath-taking and none of it is because we have created our cities, monuments, and wonders.  It is because our souls, like the eagles, soar above everything we believe important and look down on something so vast and wonderful.  Nothing in our creative imagining comes close to its splendor.

We are the recipients of this splendor.  No act or outcome in this life will change the nature of our soul in the eternities.  Nothing we do here matters, so all that we need do here is embrace everything that goes on, every experience, every accomplishment, and every aspect of the life we live should be embraced in every possible way as another part of our vacation. None of us should ever feel we are victims of circumstance when we step back on to that cosmic train.  We should be refreshed, invigorated, uplifted and alive from a richness of experience we may never know again, and while in infinite terms the experience is a blip on the cosmic screen, every part of this experience should leave us absolutely vibrating.  What a gift it is to be here and to experience the incredible highs and lows of humankind.  We should relish every moment of it.

Too many can’t wait, like Job of old, to get out of life and back on board the train.  Life has not been the pleasure trip it was meant to be, but that is only because in the egoic life we live and try to fit into, we lose sight of why we are here.  As God spoke to Job and asked him to identify one thing in his experience that remotely compared to the splendor of this planet and everything on it, Job shrank before Him and could not.  The reason is that there is no manmade thing that compares to anything on earth and in infinite terms, nothing on earth including earth itself compares to our lives in eternity.

In the last chapter of Job, the epitaph, Job is restored to his health, position, and stature that he knew before Satan physically broke him.  In fact, it was greater than before.  The story of Job is a metaphor for us here on earth living life that regardless of our circumstances or how we view our life experience, in the end we are restored to our unique and divine situation.  If we learn to see this life, our experience, as God instructed Job to view it, nothing else matters.  Nothing we do or accomplish in this life will ever surpass just being a part of life here on earth in whatever form it takes.  The cosmic train leaves no one behind regardless of how the earth experience went for them.  Like Job, we are all restored back to that infinite reality we all exist in.  We won’t be looking back as in infinity, all things blend together into one big whole, and it is wondrous.  All of it is wondrous!

Life and living are the only reason we are here and all of it is to be enjoyed, but only as you choose.  We cannot fail at life! There really are no illusions, only the ones we choose to accept as our condition.  We can change everything in our experience here in this life and we should because we get back onboard the cosmic train all too soon.

Of Carts and Bags – A tale of Christmas

It was a cool, somewhat gloomy morning with a light snow falling but not accumulating.  Just a few things to be done including a quick trip into town to pick up some things to complete a project I was finishing up.  The large home improvement store, in town, wasn’t crowded, surprisingly, especially for a weekend and so close to Christmas.  I suspect the dreariness of the day was the reason so few were out and about.

I made my purchases, exited the store and began making my way across the parking lot to my car when I noticed out of the corner of my eye an older, disheveled woman, running in the direction of my car and on a trajectory that would intercept me just about the time I reached the car myself.  I didn’t give it much thought until she raised her hand and started calling out, “sir, sir, oh sir can you help me out?”  I looked up without really considering that my car was alone in that section of the parking lot and while I acknowledged her call to me for help I assumed she was going to ask me to assist her in loading something in her car.  I was only too happy to be of assistance but looking around the parking lot there were no cars nearby that I thought might be hers.

As she approached me she surprised me by asking if I could drive her to meet a friend exactly seven point two miles up the highway.  I quickly thought how odd it was that she knew the exact mileage to her destination but before I could say a word she told me her car had broken down and she really needed to meet her friend just up the road.  She offered to pay me for gas if I could just help her out in this small but important way.   There was an urgency in her plea that overwhelmed any sense of concern in me and I simply agreed to take her to meet her friend.  She was so grateful and thanked me profusely while I opened the car door to let her into my car.  As she passed in front of me to get into the car I noticed the foulest smell.  It was the smell of dirty wet dog with a hint of urine and rotting milk.

I got into the car, started the engine and quickly opened my window as the smell was so disturbing.  I put the car into gear and began moving when she asked if I could go up to the other end of the parking lot so she could get some things from her car to take with her.  I agreed and slowly moved across the lot expecting her to point out her car so I could stop and she could gather the things she needed.  As we neared the edge of the building she instructed me to stop but there were only a few cars nearby parked in the employee parking area.  I asked her which car was hers and she just instructed me to stop.  I stopped and as she stepped out of the car she told me to just stay here and I’ll be right back.

I looked around to see which car she was going to get into but she slipped in between two cars and began pushing a shopping cart that was full of boxes and plastic grocery bags.  I stepped out of the car and she called out, “oh no you don’t need to help, I can get this.”  I walked back to the rear of my car and opened the rear gate and began to remove items from the cart and place them into the car.   It dawned me that there really wasn’t a broken down car and that the items I was loading into my car were her possessions.  Worn out clothing, worn out shoes and a dirty sleeping bag along with some odds and ends that I knew must be important to her.  Her story about her broken down car now seemed a ploy to tug on my heartstrings to get me to help her out.  MY demeanor changed from cheery helper to guarded dupe who had just been taken by a homeless, bag lady.

We got everything into the car, stepped into the car ourselves and headed for the interstate on ramp heading north.   She reiterated that the destination was only seven point two miles up the highway and that she truly appreciated me helping her out. I didn’t say anything because I was now put out.  She began to speak of how she had fallen on hard times, that her mother had fallen very ill and lost her house while her father died suddenly just about the time she lost her own job.   It was a tale of hardship and loss but she never really lost her perkiness as she told it.  She seemed very happy to be alive even amidst the hardships she had encountered.   She thanked me over and over even as I tried to tell her it was no big deal and not to worry.

I kept a close eye on the odometer because I didn’t want to overrun her exit but we drove far beyond the seven point two miles she said we were going and I began to wonder just how far the drive would be.  It was about fifteen miles.  I was stewing.  She pointed out the exit we were to take and I made the turn off the freeway when she asked me, “you know, speaking of hard luck if you wanted to help me out with a few dollars I would really appreciate it. “This was the proverbial straw.

I blurted back abruptly, “wait a minute, you mean you’re asking me for money when you offered to pay me for gas to drive you to where you are going?”  She responded, “oh yes that’s right I did offer to pay for gas.  How much would you like for your gas.”  I was flabbergasted.  I wasn’t about to take any money from her but I asked, “do you even have a car?”  She said that she did have one about seven years ago.  Very sternly I began to lecture her about her lack of honesty and how if she was up front and honest that she might get a better response from people and more would be likely to help her out.  She agreed with everything I said and began apologizing and promised that she would take to heart all the things I told her would make her a better panhandler.

She became very quiet other than to point out a Target store down the road that was where she would be getting out.  I was feeling smug as could be that I had exerted my two cents and had successfully given her useful instruction on being a better homeless person.  I drove her to a place where excess shopping carts had been lined up along the outer wall of the building and stopped, got out of the car while she did the same. Without speaking she walked over got a cart and wheeled it back to the car and I began helping her load.  She placed each bag in a particular order and meticulously positioned them as if she knew exactly where each one belonged in that particular cart.  She didn’t have much but she loved what she had.  My heart tugged.

When she finished loading she looked up at me and thanked me again not only for the ride but the instruction as well.  She offered to pay again and I told her there is no way I will take any money from you.  I then reached into my pocket and removed my wallet, took out every bill I had and handed it to her.  It wasn’t more than seventy dollars and she pleaded with me that she would not take it while reaching over as fast as she could and snatching from my hands.  It didn’t matter. I would have given her more if I had it.  I was feeling a bit like a heal but her graciousness poured out again and she thanked me over and over. I smiled at her and told her she should have a nice meal with her friend.

The encounter was over.  I got into my car, drove out of the parking lot and about the time I was entering the main road when I suddenly burst into laughter.  Not ordinary laughter but debilitating, full on, belly laughter. You know the kind that takes your breath away and creates tears that stream down your face.  I had to pull over to the side of the road because I had no bodily control and was not able to see the road through the tears.  I roared like never before and the convulsive heaves of laughter poured from my mouth in huge waves.  I was hysterical; absolutely hysterical.  This lasted for several minutes before I could see through my tear soaked eyes and I began to breathe deeply and methodically so I could regain enough composure to make the drive back home.

As I was sitting there the thoughts began to pour in.  I had just lectured this lady, who carried all her possessions in a shopping cart, on the virtues of honesty in the performance of living an effective “homeless” life while at the same time realizing that not only had she secured the ride to her next place of temporary residence but she got all my money as well and by doing it exactly the way she had always done it!   I began to laugh again, only this time at the smugness of my offering her a better way while sitting on the side of the road, roughly thirty miles from home and not a penny in my pocket.

There is no lesson here or profound meaning.  This is nothing more than a chance encounter with a fellow soul whose trajectory in life happened upon mine at this unique time and place in the eternities.  I judged her and who knows but perhaps she judged me, as well, but even still it was the connection of two souls living the life they were living and without the judgments each life was perfectly fine.  We find a way, don’t we?

I smile, still, when I think of this intersection of our paths and often wonder how she is doing and really how special my encounter with her was.  A lecture, a laugh and smiles for the memories. Looking back and then returning to the present there is no one I would have rather given my money and a ride too.  Merry Christmas.

The Nature of Spirituality

While working with my Sister in a village in Honduras where she had bought property and had set up a small clinic for the people of that village and surrounding areas I was able to see firsthand that spirituality is not a condition of what we posses or an arbitrary hierarchy of needs as so many of us believe.  There was every form of disease and malnutrition and every single person who came to her clinic would receive a dose of a de-worming medicine just for showing up. Parasites infested everyone because there was no infrastructure anywhere in Honduras that could provide basic needs.  Dirt floors and stick huts packed with mud were common and trips to the river were where the villagers drank, washed clothing and dishes and bathed themselves.

One day we my sister and I were talking about the children who always seemed to be hanging around. I observed that they all seemed so happy and asked my sister if she thought these little ones stood a chance of ever having a spiritual awareness. She exclaimed immediately that it was not possible in the least trip 12 008 as they were struggling with so many other issues that to discover their own divine nature would be impossible. I was surprised  by her response and asked, “How do you explain that they all seem so happy?” Her response was just as immediate and similarly  direct. “I don’t know” she said, “it puzzles me too because they have nothing and they have nothing to look forward to!”

I was not satisfied with this answer and pressed her a bit further on the subject of spirituality. She insisted that “basic needs” had to be served before anyone could advance to a more “enlightened” state and that outside the work she was doing to help the little ones in her village few if any had any chance of having anything other than a life of poverty and disease. I remember being saddened by her assessment of those children and pondered the sweetness in their faces and their complete exhilaration with the life they were living. Not once did I ever hear a child complain of their circumstances and everywhere I saw gratitude and acceptance, happiness and joy. In fact, when I was getting ready to leave three of the young children wrote me letters thanking me for coming to visit them and expressing how much they loved having me there with them. What moved me most, however, were their wishes for me. Each of these wonderful children wished for me to have “everything I desired” in life and to be happy.  Without having any concept of how “good” I had things in my life, how abundant and full of the things that are supposed to help us become “actualized,” these children were completely giving of themselves.  What they gave was more than all the riches in the world. They gave their love, their friendship and from the very depths of their souls they spoke to mine.

Their “giving” to me was from the depths of someone deeply spiritual but without, even, the label of “spirituality.” They were divine and it didn’t matter if they knew what that meant or not. Life for them was a treat as was my life when I was with them.  I wept when I read the words of giving and concern for my happiness.

Spiritually speaking these were the great ones. Amidst, the squalor, disease and rampant poverty, as we in the west would define it, I witnessed majesty as I have never seen it. I stood among giants and I trembled before them. I could no longer feel any sorrow for these children as my sorrow for them turned to sorrow for myself. I had become the judge of their existence and what I had seen for them was destroyed by what they already knew about existence. In desolation they knew more than I ever hoped to. They were humble; I was embarrassed. I was completely undressed by the “gods” of this tiny little village and I have never been the same since. My prayer since that visit has been that the children of this village never discover the labels we put on them and that their simple view of life never gives way to the noise of our, so called, “actualized” descriptions.

Surely spiritual awareness, which I had sought for so many years, is not a property of attainment, acclaim, and fulfillment of so-called basic needs.  Spiritual awareness is our very first aspect; it is the very core of our nature.  How true the New Age statement that “we are spiritual beings having aSamiel human experience”.  There is nothing we must attain to in order to achieve spiritual awakening.  In fact, it might be considered an arrogant assumption that we must somehow become something we are not, nor may ever be, in order to achieve higher states of awareness.   One might ask, “What chance do the poor and infirm have of ever reaching higher states of awareness if they must rise above basic needs when such a possibility may never present itself in their lifetimes?”  We all sense a kind of hypocrisy at such a question because we know that some of our greatest spiritual icons came from such circumstances.  Some even went from incredible wealth and royalty to a life of poverty and begging as a way to find the awareness I was convinced must come some other way.

We are spiritual beings.  Our first state of existence is a spiritual one and it is the human-ness of our earthly existence that conditions us to think that the human is not the second state but the first.  The focal point of our existence, the peak of the pyramid, if you will, is our most basic knowing, and poverty and lack is equally able as is wealth and riches, or education and intellect, to drive us from or to that knowing.

Adapted from the book: On Human Being-Loving & Living Without Purpose

How We Create Our Own Reality?

I was recently asked this question and wanted to share my answer which I believe is relevant to any spiritual search. Let me know what you think.

We do create our own experience. When the newborn child you mentioned enters this Earth existence, it is the result of, or creation by, the spiritual being (I call it god) who will occupy that body and grow with it into whatever. What happens for all newborns is that after the initial excitement of the birth the adults in the new baby’s life begin to reprogram the child into seeing things the way they were taught to see. After about ten to fifteen years of this, the child embarks on a life that confirms and reinforces what they were previously conditioned to see, accept and/or believe.
This is why I say we live in an illusion. It does not start out that way but all the experiences, training, etc. that go into making us who we are as “humans” cancels out what, in fact, we truly are and what we were when we first got here. Newborn babies have no egoic identity whatsoever, and therefore everything in and about life is wondrous and incredible to them.

Mind based thoughts are powerful but spirit based creative powers are much more so. In fact, the suffering of most humans can be tied directly to the struggle between “what” they are (or were when they got here) and what they have been conditioned to be after they arrived. Perhaps one of the best examples of this is that in the United States (true for other western countries as well) over 70% of the working population hate what they do as a career but for most who are unhappy in their career field they were conditioned to go down this path contrary to their nature which craves something else. How sad for us!

You mention the mind being all powerful (rhetorical) but let me be very specific. We are each two individuals. The “mind” created individual and the spiritual being, or what I call god, which dwells within us. Those first few years you mention are so critical in the development of a child’s mind because what we are conditioned to believe initially will mask what we really are for the rest of our lives. Very few will break free of the conditioning they undergo and return back to the “unidentified” being they were when they came here.

Our lives here should not be about finding purpose and meaning but rather about finding who we are. In finding that, and synching the mind to our spiritual nature, life unfolds in a very un-conflicted way. “We”, that is the real “We” we were before we got here, is made manifest and life, our creation, unfolds in a way that reveals that being. There is power in our thoughts but our thoughts, as rational as we like to think they are, are anything but.

From the moment of our birth, we are taught to want and have and possess to the point that when we “get”, we completely identify ourselves to all the things we have gotten. Life becomes, in essence, a continuous pursuit of things the getting of which is what we falsely believe, make us who we are. An example is I can be “me” after I get my college education or when I get this particular job or career or when I get this particular house, etc., etc. We literally identify with “what we are not” and determine that until we get (what we are not) we are not complete. This is craziness.

Until we re-access that divine being that dwells within us we create a reality that is as wild and crazy as the one we live in now.

The beauty of the un-identified newborn baby is that in their creation everything is simply WOW! (Good article on this at: https://cbozeman.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/the-frequency-of-wow/. There are no judgments about anything and the entry into life is incredible in every way. No judgment is the key. With a mind free of judgment or identity everything just simply is. Children “act” without thinking and do so until we, as adults, condition them to judge everything. Life slowly but surely loses its Wow-ness.

Bottom line is that when a newborn comes into this life, its body is occupied with a “god” who has already created the experience of being here for no other reason than just being here. That god is thrilled and everything about the experience is exhilarating until the “human” has been conditioned to judge good and evil and place every life experience from that point on into a good or bad range. Ego identity takes over and from that point life experience becomes confused and challenging. It was never meant to be so.

In a nutshell we create our experience but it is either a mind created experience or a “spiritual being” created experience. Unless the mind experience is in synch with the spiritual experience there will always be conflict. The two typically see things in very different ways and “identify” with reality accordingly. The mind has become powerful but it is not “all powerful”. The mind is finite. The spirit is infinite. We, individually, are the purpose we seek and try to create with the mind. All we have to do is turn off the mind, dis-identify with the things it (the mind) has determined are necessary for its identity and simply enjoy the richness and wonder of this life experience. When we let go of “mind” created identity, the wonder and spectacle of life opens up in a way I cannot possibly explain here. It truly is unexplainable.

The god that you are “created” this experience long before you arrived here on Earth. The mind identity fights against that original purpose. Find the inner self and you will begin to recognize the awesome power of your own creation. Pretty cool!

Breaking Down the Barriers to Spirit – A Way to Live for 2012

Instead of asking you to reflect on the year just ended and create resolutions for the new year just beginning I would like to share a pattern for life that will put you on a path of breaking down the barriers we all have when trying to access our spiritual natures. These are not resolutions rather they are a guide for living everyday, regardless of year, that never requires renewal or reflection. They are a guide for living in such a way that we are always open to our own divinity.

Accessing our spiritual or divine nature is difficult in light of the control ego has on us. Ego is opposed to anything beneficial to others and to ourselves. A Course in Miracles says, “The ego wishes no one well. Yet, its survival depends on your belief that you are exempt from its evil intentions.” 

How do we penetrate egoic devices that keep us from accessing the good within? Here is a list of characteristics that will not only penetrate our ego natures but help form a barrier that will prevent ego from having any influence in our lives, whatsoever.

  1. Never point the finger; never and at no one: Pointing the finger steers us outward away from who we are. It is an easy thing to do to look away from ourselves while focusing on others. In fact, all of us need to always be singularly focused on our inner selves, where no inclination, whatsoever, exists to point away toward someone or something else. Pointing in any direction, even towards ourselves, is a good way to distance ourselves from that being who dwells within.
  2. Ceasing to judge anything: Our judgment blinds us to reality. It skews our perceptions to finite criteria which limits infinite possibility. Gods have no limitations of any kind. They are bound to nothing, even so called physical laws. Judgment is the glue that holds us to the idea of impossibility. We like saying “nothing is impossible”, but our judgments convince us otherwise. When we cease to judge anything, the doorway to everything opens up to us.
  3. Give up holding onto the past: Our history is the “school” of our judgments. We learn well our definitions of life in the school of past experience. Those definitions not only become the criteria for judging others, but also for judging ourselves. Judgments are confining to our senses and to our essence as gods. When we give up holding onto the past, newness and freshness strikes us in ways we cannot imagine.
  4. Speaking kindly: Humans are said to be hardwired for communication. The ego, which is uniquely human, is programmed to defend itself. No ego ever wants to be perceived as “less than” its preconditioned criteria. While other egos may not reciprocate, always speak kindly of others. We can never know where anyone is coming from. No one knows your history nor do you know theirs. Speaking kindly allows everyone some ease and safety. It is an opening of your heart and theirs.
  5. Expressions of love soften the ego, speak them often: The only thing “hard” about humans is the ego. It is the shell we all have that supposedly protects us from the onslaught of other egos crucial judgments. Ego is a defensive mechanism built up over time. It is the past brought forward into the present. It is the preparer of future defensive engagements. It is strong against the devices of other egos. It is defenseless against love and kindness. Speaking kindly and expressions of love break down egoic defenses and opens the door to the soul where our defensive walls give way to our divine nature. Expressions of love are gods speaking to others and to us. Nothing can stand against such expressions, especially our own egos.
  6. Love everything: This is difficult because we are never programmed to do so. We are programmed to judge and place our affections on those things we have been taught to see as good. Finding a way to see beauty in everything is a way to open our minds to what our hearts already know. There is beauty and wonder in everything. It is all worthy of our love. Everyone, everything!

Practice these things everyday if you can. You will feel your heart soften toward everything going on in your experience. You will also notice doors opening to you that were once closed and you will be filled more and more with the wide-eyed wonder you had as a child. Each day, less and less will escape your view.

Enjoy your new awareness, enjoy the new year but most of all enjoy yourself right now this very moment.  You are god. All my best,

Carl.

A View on Compassion (via Cbozeman’s Blog)

Some good questions asked about “A view of Compassion.” also a way is described on how to get a free copy of my ebook “Addressing the God That You Are – Who is Listening. Take a look,

Recently I was asked a question by someone visiting my website. Here is the question and what follows is my response. While the response is a bit lengthy I believe there is some important information for those who ask the same questions. I'd love to hear your response. Comments: I just continue to have a problem with people who take other's lives and rape etc. I find that difficult to be ok with and that it is the god within at work you have to b … Read More

via Cbozeman's Blog

A View on Compassion

Recently I was asked a question by someone visiting my website. Here is the question and what follows is my response. While the response is a bit lengthy I believe there is some important information for those who ask the same questions. I’d love to hear your response.

Comments: I just continue to have a problem with people who take other’s lives and rape etc. I find that difficult to be ok with and that it is the god within at work you have to be kidding me. How can we offer love to human life forms who are capable of this???? We must still believe that there are many who are not Intuitive enough to realize who they are or from where they came… so walk a destructive physical life. How can we be ok with this and offer love to these people??? Please explain to me…

My Response:

Vicki,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You ask, perhaps, the most complex questions that can be asked for any human living in this existence. There is no easy answer mainly because our egos get so attached to what they have determined to be right or wrong in the world. You must think of yourself (we all must) as two individuals. One that is human and one that is divine (God). The human is everything physical that you experience including your thoughts, dreams, aspirations, etc. The divine is the observer of the experience the human is having. The divine does not interfere with the human experience because, after all, the divine came here specifically to have the human (that YOU are) experience. It did not come here to change anything. I know this sounds a bit bizarre, but the essence of our human existence is to experience the wondrous-ness of being humans and to interfere (as gods could) would be to alter the reality of that experience.

After having established this, I will try to answer your questions. Let me be perfectly clear that “the god within” as you mentioned could be okay with rape, murder and all the other forms of violence we experience in the world. Gods, as I mention in my Book “On Being God-Beyond Your Life’s Purpose” do not encroach upon the experience of other gods. They have no need or inclination to do so simply because they possess all the power to create whatever they want. Having said that, however, as for this human experience the “divine” in us has also agreed not to interfere in the “human” condition as part of the overall “human” experience. It is the “human” condition that commits the acts of violence and control on other humans. It is the human condition that tries to stop it and it is the human condition that decides if it is “ok” or “not ok” to “offer love” to those who commit such acts. Nothing that is going on in the physical sense is “because” of gods. It is all because of humans.

As a human, you can decide whether to “offer love” to those who perpetrate such things on other humans or not. As gods the question of “love” doesn’t even come into question. What comes into question for the divine in you is compassion. Now, the world has misunderstood
the meaning of compassion. The world (egos) thinks of compassion as a higher form of love which it is not. Compassion has nothing to do with love. The only words we have in our human language (English) to adequately describe compassion is “acceptance of  everything” (careful not to confuse acceptance with apathy). Gods “accept” what is because they know that in the grand spectrum none of what goes on here “as humans” has any significance in the “eternal” spectrum.

What has happened in this “human” experience is that the “ego”, both individual and collective, has attempted to “out do” what is divine in us and in so doing has gotten out of control, to say the least! In other words, those who commit such horrible things no longer know
what they are doing. They are, for the most part, cut off from the divine nature within and have been largely taken over by the egoic nature that always looks outward for satisfaction and satisfaction often takes on vengeful and inconsiderate forms. Vicki, “they know not what they do.”

Here is why I say that we try in every way to love such individuals. To be angry, vengeful and unforgiving of those who have lost their way is to put yourself in the same kind of mind-set as they are. In other words, the ego in you is saying “why should ‘I’ be this or that” when they have done “this or that,” which “I,” for whatever reason, believe is wrong. Do you see this? You cannot fight against that which you despise or don’t accept (these are egoic responses) and not have it running wild in your experience. Love is a verb. It is one of the only things that can “actively” alter the egoic nature of the human experience, be it, individually or collectively simply because “love” alters YOU – not them. If you are holding on to your feelings of disapproval, anger and indignation, you are being as “disconnected” from the divine in you as any of those you judge to have hurt you or others. Your path is as “destructive” as theirs; not to say that you harm or hurt others but destructive to your own spiritual well-being. Why would you do that to yourself, Vicki?

In the end, Vicki, you choose (as a human) how you can view this experience. However, in the infinite scheme of things, none of what happens here matters. You will proceed into eternity as the God that you are and you will not judge anything that happened here or anywhere else, because everything to our innately divine nature is wonderful. As gods we don’t “see” with eyes that judge. We only see that everything is “good.” That is the “compassionate” nature the god who dwells within you. Find the divine in you and you will experience this knowing. Question every one of your judgments for they are of the ego. This is how you can tell whether or not you are connected to the divine within you.

Long answer to your question, Vicki. I hope you will contemplate what I have said. As I state on my website, “my purpose is to help get you out of your mind”. When you discover that YOU are not your body, your mind or your ego you will be at the point of discovering “WHO” you really are. It will amaze you how that will change your life. I wish you all the best in your spiritual endeavors.

Blessings,

Carl

Honesty – Do You Tell the Truth or Does the Truth Tell You?

From the moment of our birth onward over the span of our human sojourn, we are conditioned to be other than what we truly are. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in our general understanding and subsequent expression of honesty.

We are all liars. In fact, we are so good at lying, many of us will take offense at such an accusation, but perhaps more importantly, we have become so good at it we don’t even know it. Our conditioned nature has us convinced that our little withholdings and untruths are necessary to negotiate the collective human condition. We even come up with metaphors to express this conditioning even though we will not acknowledge the pervasive nature of our lies. We say things like half truths or little white lies to soften the blow, so to speak, so that our fragile egos do not have to face the fact that we are indeed liars. Collectively, we have come up with terms such as spin and techniques have been developed to divert the collective attention away from the truth.

We even accept that certain groups such as lawyers or politicians are dishonest and that is just the way it is. We will support individuals representing a political view, but overlook that they fall into a faction we know (and accept) as dishonest. We will even defend them to the point of anger or rage if they are attacked by another individual who is supported by a faction representing an opposing political view. Individually and collectively we have become defenders of our dishonesty.

Egoically, we have even gone so far as to determine that no individual ego, whether child or adult, should ever be told where they have missed the mark or fallen away from a particular guideline, without following up with where they have done well. Well, we don’t want to hurt any feelings now, do we? We are so concerned about preservation of feelings (ego), that we cannot speak the truth, or as we might say, the whole truth. It is interesting that we have books titled Radical Honesty, proposing that what was once simple honesty has become so elusive that telling any truth has now become radical. In other words, we have conditioned ourselves into the proverbial corner, that honesty is no longer the best policy, rather it has become the exception to the rule, both individually and collectively.

 Perhaps in no other aspect of the human experience will it be more apparent how difficult it will be to alter this current conditioning. We have completely given way to the idea that feelings should not be hurt. We must conduct our lives in such a way that only the softest of blows are ever exacted against our own and other egos. The loss or damage of self-esteem is untenable in any circumstance. In other words, tell the truth if you can, lie if you must, but always spare the ego – always!

Gateway to Inner Knowing

If we can learn to listen to our inner talk, we can begin to notice the deceptions playing out in our minds. If we listen carefully, we can catch ourselves every time we tell a lie and hopefully, in time, catch it before we express it outwardly. In so doing, our dishonesty can become a window into the nature of our conditioning. It can become the way back to a life of integrity and truth. It is through that same window that we can begin to see once again our divine self. The who of our existence rather than the what the ego creates. Once found, we see life as it was before our conditioning took over our awareness.

Who you are always comprehends honestly. Finding who you are is the way out of the darkness of a life that is cloaked in a false illusion and untruth. In fact, it is the only way to have a life that is fully aware of something beyond our limited and egoic view of it.

It is seeing without eyes, hearing without ears. It is a life only a god could know.

A Rift in Illusion – My Father

Few of us ever escape the chains of our reality and see beyond the forms before us.  We mire in our knowledge and all the things we gather to us, forming a shell that hardens with time.  For me I have seen past it only a few times and always in the strangest of ways.

He came to me so subtly and he was hardened by a life of struggle and hardship that was so developed his own mind no longer doubted the truth of anything he said.  His was a life of total fantasy and yet it was through this hardness and fantasy that I would see far beyond this earthly view.  He was the catalyst for a rift that broke through all my illusions and perhaps, his own.  I think he knew it himself but any expression of it had to pass through the shell of his imagination of which little if anything was believable.  It would be his secret, but not without first finding a way to peer out into horizons which are rarely known but always there.

We all walk alone through this life even though we are surrounded by others on every side.  They, too, harbor the depths of loneliness and fear we all feel but neatly tuck away inside us.  We wear our masks and wrap ourselves tightly in the things that best cover us from exposure to a brighter light.  It is the nature of humans.  Beasts of the field who walk stoically into life afraid to show how truly scared and alone they are.  We are taught to survive no matter the cost.  Spare no one or thing in preserving that which you are.  The strong survive and the cost to the weak is of no consequence.  This we must do and yet in some there arises the awesome awareness that it is not just the “man” that is important, but that life, all of life, is.  For some, the rift allows just enough light to shine through that we sense something greater than mere survival.  We turn to the light and see that we can survive without the “need” to survive.  We no longer need to run to or from life gathering as we go.  All we need is to walk with it and life itself becomes the giver.

I saw this rift in a hospital room with a man, my Father, whose hardened life would take pause and see something far beyond the things and forms of normal life.  Most of my time with him was spent listening to his illusion of the events of his life.  Even in my own illusion his life, his illusion, was incomprehensible.  He was an enigma of the highest order.  Some might say crazy.  Yet he could not be more certain or proud of the life he lived.  I envied him.  It was, like most of us, the unexamined life.  Safe, but edgy.  Dramatic but fun.  Full in every way, even if it was imaginary.  I resigned myself to never knowing any of his history that began when I last saw him as a boy and when I met him a year ago. A history that would span over fifty years, now buried in the recesses of an imagined life. That part of him is and always will be a mystery. A parenthesis in time with no explanation.

I didn’t know just how short his time would be in that hospital room.  Nothing indicated he was about to go.  But I should have known, I guess, because he did a most unusual thing.  He lifted his left hand upon which he wore a ring. In the short time that I knew him, I had never seen him without it.  He wore it on his ring finger even though he had been divorced and single most of his life.

He removed the ring from his finger and handed it to me with the admonition to “make sure you give this to the boy.”  I asked “Which boy are you talking about?”  He replied earnestly, “You know the boy… Oh, what’s his name…?  Oh Carl.”  I asked, “Carl who?”  My father many times would speak directly to me about me which was one of many things about him I found so charming and fun.  I often would remind myself that his memories of me must have been of that 7 year old boy he left just as my memories of him were of a younger, more vibrant, beautiful man.  We both retained our earlier images of each other and in one sense, he was talking to that little boy by way of the man he had become.  These were always sweet exchanges.

He responded “You know…. Carl.”  “But I’m Carl,” I replied and he said, “I know.”  He added, “Make sure the boy wears that ring, it’s magic.  It will protect him and he will never want of anything.  Just make sure he gets it.”  I responded, “Okay, I’ve got it.”  He again reiterated the ring was special and would protect the boy.  I should’ve known he was telling me good-bye and passing along to me something he cherished and wanted his boy to have.  It was a tender moment. It was also a profound telling of what was to come that I should have recognized but missed completely.

It was also in this moment that I saw him as he was before his shell had formed.  Sweet, kind, gentle.  That is what showed through that rift.  Then almost inexplicably, he spoke softly and solemnly.  “I’m so sorry for what I did to you kids.”  He shook his head and looked as if he would cry.  “I’m so, so sorry,” he said again.  I looked at him and he at me and that’s when he cracked wide open.  The light shined through and the mask of his life fell away. I saw him not as man but as God.  There were others there with him but his light reached out and grabbed me, filled me, and then lifted me – and then it was gone as suddenly as it had appeared.  He looked at me and smiled as if he knew just how much he had opened up.  Through his smile and with a glint in his eye, he winked and said simply, “That’s enough.”  I wanted to shake him but I knew the rift had closed.  That was the last time I saw him alive.  He passed quietly, shell and all.

I returned to the hospital after the call came in and as I sat beside his lifeless but still warm body, I filled again, only this time with a rush of emotion and sadness.  He had left again as he had before.  It was sudden, unexpected, and without explanation.  This time, however, I saw into him in a way I could not as a boy.  As I sat there holding him in that quiet room I saw him flying, as it were, on the wings of Eagles soaring free, at last, from the darkness of his mind. He was at peace and wore the expression on his lifeless face. Looking back just a few hours earlier his smile said it all and I know, even now, he is not gone.  He, in fact, surrounds me in every way, only now it is pure light without the dreams and fantasy.  It is a brilliant light indeed.

Life is sometimes perceived as desolation.  A hard journey through a maze of missteps, broken dreams, struggle and sadness.  It is like a maze through which we struggle to get through.  In time we become the maze and it becomes us, but all the while we move on.  We choose life in spite of the troubles along the way.   That is life’s relentless pull on all of us. We are life’s creators. We uphold it as we have learned to perceive it. It never is as we think it is even if we see its awesomeness. Life is always more grand and wonderful then the physical eyes through which we view it. It took knowing him before I knew this.

I had waited as a boy first, then an adolescent, and then as an adult, for my Father to appear.  But when he did, it was unlike anything I imagined it would be.  I created my own illusion of what this visitor, must be when he did appear and the weight of it pressed down on me inexorably.  My illusion of him was a grand one. When he did appear, he was simple, broken, and feeble but he carried an unseen power that put into question everything I thought I knew and most certainly everything I had imagined.  He was indeed grand but in his way, not mine. The small was made great, the weak strong.  He was unafraid of the immensity of the universe and in showing me, I too became unafraid.

My father stepped across a great abyss and in the grandeur of those last few moments, he simply turned his head toward me and smiled.  The rift between what he was and what he became had been breached.  With a smile and a wink, I looked into eternity and saw again the worth of souls.  Together, for just that moment, we looked out into infinity and his light became one with my own.  I am not the same.